I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
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Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
A double negative is a big no-no.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.