None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
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[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Buck naked
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u