I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
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I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”