fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
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At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR