what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
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Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Don’t we all.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……