Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
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A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
mathematically impossible
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Midwest trash talk
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet