You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
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I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise