If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
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Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.