professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
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Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Home is where your toilet is.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
This line from Airplane.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat