Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
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I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative