Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
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An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.