Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
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I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.