Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
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LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage