You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
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[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Happens to everyone.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me