Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
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Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Bring back the McRib
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Mouse
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”