Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
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Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I’ve had worse
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.