Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
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I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.