Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
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CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.