If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
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That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Ha