So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
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[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Saturday
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.