Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
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By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Story of my life…..
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed