I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
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What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.