The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
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The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.