The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
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[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr