<—- homeless romantic
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I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Just say no
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.