Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
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Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
My time has come.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
me refusing to leave twitter
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.