okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
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Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Only Americans understand
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?