2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
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My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Lmao 🤣
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?