(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
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Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
One of the best
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Smallpox sounds so adorable
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit