[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
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This might be the funniest tweet ever
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else