[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
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Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?