put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
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It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
These aliens are taking forever.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
when u come home smelling like another dog
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
(Electricians.)
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner