I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
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this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Hello Twits.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral