I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
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You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
When you let grandma cat sit
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.