Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
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Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.