When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
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Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?