Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
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Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Proctology is located in A55
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus