Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
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How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Love this guy
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss