We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
You Might Also Like
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!