When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
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[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
pelicons
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I had to Stop for this
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.