Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
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You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.