Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
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Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I like crazy people until they notice me
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport