Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
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God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus