It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
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I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
somebody come look at this
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?