Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
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Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.