Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
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Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you