doing some research
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Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
synchronized noseblowing
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.