Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
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Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
R.I.P.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.