so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
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Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.