Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
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Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.